I am no stranger to conflict.

Both in my personal life and professionally I have witnessed, been party to and mediated more conflicted dynamics than I care to remember.

It’s not that I go out of my way to look for conflict but when it comes to my door I don’t run from it either. No one likes it, unless they are a sociopath.

But everyone must learn to navigate the rough waters of interpersonal work as well as the fair. Very often it is in conflict that we learn the most about ourselves and other people, learning that is done in the fires of the full, open, strong and clear heart.

Angeles Arrien has mentioned on many occasions that relationship is the highest spiritual discipline and training ground. That training ground is taken to the next level when conflct emerges.

For those who are looking to strengthen the heart for deepening relationship–and conflict is one of the doors to deepening– the following resource is a great one.

That resource is David Richo’s fine book, How To Be An Adult In Relationships.

In the chapter entitled, Struggles Along The Way, he makes an important series of distinctions between conflict and drama.

You can find the following on pages 147/48:

Healthy Conflict

The problem is placed on the table between us, and we see it in
perspective.

We explore the situation.

We address the issue directly.

We express our feelings candidly, taking responsibility for them as our own without blaming the other or feeling ashamed.

We are looking for a way to keep the relationship stable, and we don’t use violence.

We remain focused on the present issue.

We are committed to a bilateral style in processing issues and making decisions.

The issue is resolved with an agreement to change something for the better.

Both of us are looking for ways of making our relationship better.

We fight fairly.

We admit mutual responsibility for the problem.

We are committed to working things out, but we respect the other’s timing.

We try and deal with the issue one-on-one.

If necessary, we seek therapy or a support group.

We want both of us to grow from this conflict.

We let go of our attachment to the outcome we wanted in favor of a resolution we can both live with.

We are aware of any complexities.

It is acceptable to agree to disagree.

We notice, mirror, and feel deep compassion for the other’s pain.

We admit it if our behavior is connected to childhood.

We acknowledge how our shadow might be involved.

Our conflict is love-based, and we want to show the five A’s (attention, acceptance, affection, appreciation, allowing).

We are centered in mindfulness.

Stressful Drama

The problem becomes bigger than both of us; we are possessed by it and lose perspective.

We exploit the situation.

We sidestep the issue or cover it up.

We use invective to dump our feelings on one another or engage in theatrical/histrionic displays meant to manipulate, intimidate or distance the other.

We explode, act violently, retaliate, or withdraw sullenly.

We use the present issue to bring up an old resentment that contaminates the present process.

One of us makes a unilateral or secret decision.

The issue remains an open wound with lingering resentment and ongoing stress.

One of us has to win and see the other lose.

We use cutthroat tactics.

We are convinced the problem is entirely the other’s fault.

We insist this problem be fixed in accord with our timing, showing no tolerance for time out.

We crowed the stage by bringing someone else or something else in as a distraction (e.g., an affair, drinking).

We refuse help or attempt to use it to justify our personal position.

We want the other to learn a lesson.

We each insist on getting our own way.

We see only in black and white.

Ambiguity is intolerable.

We are so caught up in our own pain we don not see the other ‘s pain, Or we think, “He/she deserves it.”

We are adamant that the issue is entirely about the here and now.

We see the other’s shadow but not our own.

Our drama is fear based, and we have to save face, protect our ego.

We are distracted by the mindsets of ego.

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.

Last week I had an interesting conversation with a gentleman who ran for Governor of a border state as an Independent candidate during the last election. Despite losing by a few thousand votes he was convinced that change is in the air.

I couldn’t agree with him more. I think the timing is over-ripe for a second American revolution. Here’s why:

* There is growing frustration and anger with the two party system. The budget deadlock this month was avoidable and everyone knows it.

* Increasingly, the two-party system fails to represent the voter’s interests and caters to the partisan interests of Wall Street.

* Even the best intentions of public servants with a commitment to good representation of their constituencies are blocked by power dynamics in both houses.

* Fundamentalist politics, as witnessed by the rise of the Tea Party, has replaced public service and threatens to continue to logjam both houses as a means of swinging the public agenda hard right.

* Youthquake, the Arab Spring, and the fall of dictatorships has been accomplished on-line and in the street. What was once deemed impossible–the fall of tyrants in Tunisia, Egypt and Libya–was accomplished and has renewed the belief that the populace has enough power to overturn bad government. This is not lost on Americans.

* The blame-game by political parties has reached a level of stupidity and destructiveness that sober-minded people are fed up with. Instead of tuning it out , people are looking for ways to permanently change the channel.

* The on-line fund-raising breakthrough by President Obama in the last election has made a large financial dent in the party model. Now, independant candidates can campaign and fund-raise without being beholden to party machinery.

* Change at the federal level may take a little longer to make. But local, regional and state politics could change much faster than anyone anticipates. That could result in a rising tide of independant mayors and governors, beholden only to those that elected them.

It has never been a better time for people of vision and integrity to run for office outside the party system. As I said to my friend last week, perhaps the badge of honor in the next election will be neither Republican or Democrat…. it will be Independent.

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.

If you want to grow as a person or a professional, one of the best methods is through mentoring and coaching. The medium of of both metoring and coaching is feedback.

Feedback is communication that supports another person or a group to continuously improve their performance and to correct impediments to development.

A mentor or coach is someone who has demonstrated mastery in a particular field or endeavor and has the ability to transmit that mastery to another person through expert observation and feedback.

You would approach a mentor if you wanted to develop wisdom, strength of character and general effectiveness as a person. You would engage a coach when you are committed to skilling-up or being more effective in a particular discipline.

If you do engage a mentor or coach be sure you’re prepared mentally and emotionally for accelerated growth. Many people think they want to grow but find themselves irritated and angry when they are forced to step outside of their comfort zone. That’s where true growth takes place, in a zone beyond the status quo.

Constructive feedback educates the person being assessed about performance strengths, weaknesses and opportunities. It helps the recipient understand the difference between their intention and their impact. When that feedback comes from an objective and compassionate place, we are forced to take it in and look at it for what it is.

However, the comfort zone can be breached by constructive feedback. Many people bristle when they hear things that they don’t like. They quickly defend against the feedback, dismiss it or try and deflect it through anger, humor or outright denial.

That kind of defensive behavior is usually an announcement that we lack the maturity to receive feedback as a gift. It may also indicate we have come to a mentor and coach for acceptance and approval rather than personal and professional growth.

Steve Podborsky, a world-class downhill skier and former “Crazy Canuck” taught me a lot about the proper use of feedback. I worked with Steve on several projects back in the eighties. His attitude to feedback was very healthy-he couldn’t advance as an athlete or a person without it.

What is your relationship to feedback that you have solicited? Do you see it as a gift or a burden?

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.

We pick berries
and watch for bears.
Black flies
gone
finally.
The sun and rain
have done their
work.

Everywhere,
purple, red, and black fruit
hang from the bushes,
barely able to contain
juice;
dripping
like blood
as we gorge.

Then, we smell her
old black bear.
She must have rolled
on a dead fish.
Shriveled and toothless
she ambles
through the bushes
our Dowager Queen.

Loyal subjects
we yield the patch to her.
God, she was ferocious
in her prime.
She has no taste
for praise songs now.
The Queen snorts and eats.
The berries come first.

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.

Yesterday, I spent the morning with the new staff of The Kensington Hospice Home. It was their third day of orientation.

The Hospice is a ten bed facility housed in a restored church building on the Kensington campus. I toured the facility in the morning with Bill O’Neill. Bill is the General Manager of the Kensington Health Center, a long-term care home in the heart of Toronto’s downtown.

The new building is a beauty. Great care has gone into designing a space that is esthetically pleasing and highly functional.

The Kensington Hospice is a joint effort with the Princess Margaret Hospital’s Paliative Care Unit. Twenty staff have been hired to provide end-of-life care to residents. They are a delightful group of RN’s, RPN’s and Social Workers.

Our theme for the morning session was “Beginning Well, Ending Well,” cross cultural practices of respect that support dignity and grace in relationships. Respect is the experience of being valued. That quality is important in delivering services where care is focused on comfort versus curing. It’s also important to organizational culture and team effectiveness.

Our morning session was also an opportunity for the staff to get to know their co-workers, an opportunity that they embraced with enthusiasm.

It was an honor to be a part of the launch of such an important community resource. It was also gratifying to know the level of care that will be provided, evidenced by the able staff that has been assembled by Kensington Hospice.

End-of-life services in Toronto have gone to another level of compassonate care through the introduction of the Kensington Hospice Home.

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.

Last night I was in San Francisco at a special screening of a wonderful new film called The Help. I was honored to be the guest of Stephen and Deborah Goldblatt.

Stephen is the film’s Director of Photography. He is a world-class cinematographer whose credits include Charlie Wilson’s War, Angels in America, Closer, The Cotton Club, Prince of Tides and Julie and Julia.

Stephen is also my collaborator on A Hundred Chances: Short Meditations of Opportunity, Risk and Probability (publication forthcoming).

Set in Jackson, Mississippi in the early 1960’s, The Help is based on Kathryn Stockett’s bestselling novel. It is the story of a group of black maids, and the white families that they work for. It is a gripping indictment of American apartheid.

The Help is funny, poignant and inspiring. The cast is uniformly solid and features Emma Stone, Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer, Bryce Dallas Howard and Sissy Spacek.

At the film’s end, Director Tate Taylor, Emma Stone, Octavia Spencer and Stephen discussed the film. Taylor, a childhood friend of author Kathryn Stockett, recounted the difficulty of getting both the book and the film into the world. Sixty publishers rejected The Help. And no one seemed to want to take a chance on a young, inexperienced director.

They persisted until the book was published and the movie made. You’ll be glad they did.

This is a movie for the ages; perhaps the best I’ve seen on relations between the white and black communities in the South. There is nothing out there in the theatres this summer that is quite like it.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy boy wizards and exploding movies as much as the next guy. But The Help’s aim is deeper. The film will be released in August. I am certain is will be a favorite during award season.

Go see it…and take your family.

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.

Our first weekend of The Mystery of Relationship begins Friday night in San Francisco. We have an almost full house for the four-weekend series.

Weekend One will focus on The Power of Engagement, an exploration of the elements of full-heartedness. Being full hearted, engaged, means that we trust ourselves in relationship and hold nothing in reserve. We recognize that vulnerability is a doorwar to intimacy.

The opposite of full-heartedness is half-heartedness. When we are half-hearted, we struggle with issues of commitment. Probably never happens to you.

Full-heartedness allows mature relationships to deepen and announces that we trust our romantic partner, family members, and close friends. It’s the experience of being present, not distracted or preoccupied by other matters.

I am excited to discover what our group will co-create this week-end. Still time to register if this topic appeals to you…or scares you to death.

You can come to the work any way you want.

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.

My cab driver from LaGuardia looked worried when I told him the address I was going to in the Village. “Bad” was all I could make out from behind the plexiglass screen.

I didn’t realize that it was Parade Day in New York. Parade Day coming on the heels of the historic passage of same-sex marriage legislation in the New York State Senate. Thousands and thousands of people were celebrating in the streets of Greenwich Village.

It finally dawned on me what my cab driver was muttering about up front. He could only get me “close” to my destination.

I got out at the barricade and walked a dozen blocks. There were people everywhere, gay, straight, transgendered, all celebrating a breakthrough that was hard-won and too long in coming: equal rights.

Everyone I passed was joyous. Even the cops were friendly, wishing me a hello as I passed. That seldom happens in Toronto, I thought to myself. I make it a practice to say hello to police officers at home and am usually met with stony silence.

As I walked, I recalled a conversation I had with a participant in one of my workshops in San Framcisco. He was devastated by the repeal of gay marriage in California after San Francisco was overruled in granting marriage rights to same sex couples.

I said at the time that the war was over, depite the disappointing turn of events. The opposition forces were fighting a last gasp campaign for discrimination. They had lost the war even though they had won a battle.

The scene in New York City was vindication. The equal rights battles are not over, but the war has been won in my view.

I also got to thinking about Mayor Rob Ford’s decision to go to the cottage rather than attend the Pride Parade in Toronto. It betrays a small-mindedness that most liberals were convinced of during Ford’s election campaign. Small mindeness and provincialism.

Every Toronto Mayor with the exception of Art Eggleton in the ’80’s has attended the Parade. Not Ford. He’s going to the cottage. Seems more important than a major celebration of Toronto’s diversity.

Why am I suprised?

This guy hasn’t exactly demonstrated any sign of growing into a world-class mayor.

Anyway, I am happy for the human rights breakthrough in New York. And I enjoyed wandering through the celebratory streets of Greenwich Village.

Justice done.

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.

Something that is usually forgotten is that Father’s Day is an opportunity to celebrate the archteype of the Healthy Masculine. That archetype lives in every man and woman and is the dynamic energy in our nature.

The Healthy Masculine is associated with productivity that springs from living a values-driven life. It is the builder, protector and author of right action. This energy seeks to provide sustenance through hard work, honest means and generosity to family, friends and community.

When we use our dynamic nature in a healthy way, we pay attention to our responsibilites as an means of honoring the great gift of life. We are creative and engaged fully, recognizing that this is a path of honor in the world.

The Healthy Masculine is partnered with The Healthy Feminine, the receptive and nurturing aspect of human beings. The Masculine treats the Feminine as an equal partner in relationship, recognizing that the Feminine carries a fluency in the inner world that matches the Masculine’s fluency in the outer world.

Father’s Day reminds us that we must ensure that we take care of our dynamic nature and root out the behaviours that undermine integrity. These include acting from our circumstances rather than our principles and values; the failure to attend to our responsibilities; the misuse of power and authority; laziness; greed; and the failure to recognize and develop our creative gifts and talents. The Healthy Masculine always attends to the needs of the family as a primary commitment.

To all of us striving to be do our best and honor the Healthy Masculine, Happy Father’s Day. A special thank you to my own father, John D’arcy O’Neill. Much love, gratitude and respect to you for your modeling and lessons. You are remembered and appreciated. Rest in peace.

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.

Ok, so it’s true. I got another one, a tattoo on my left arm.

Glen, my new friend and tattoo artist extraordinaire, wondered alllowed: “Isn’t your wife going to kill you?”

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her,” I said in my sneakiest voice. “Besides, she’s in Ireland. I can’t tell her if she isn’t here.”

Glen didn’t look convinced. Neither did my wife on her return. My third daughter, the rat, had already briefed her on my latest addition.

“Patrick O’Neill…You’ve lost your mind,” she informed me!

True as that may be, I did it for good reasons. There was the whole balance thing to consider, given my first tattoo was on my right arm. Only natural to get a second.

There’s also The True Snake Story.

You see, I had an encounter a few years ago in the Arizona desert with a green Mojave rattlesnake. They are the most lethal rattler in North America. Thirty seconds to Jesus. So lethal that your chances of surviving a bite are iffy.

I met my Mojave at the foot of a small footbridge that I was going to cross to get to the dining hall of the Conference facility where I was staying. I was minding my own business when out of the corner of my eye I saw something green and coiled.

I stopped. That’s good snake protocol.

Yup, it was a snake alright, a green Mojave kind. It remained still, coiled and non-rattling.

I had never seen a green Mojave before but I wasn’t about to get any closer. I backed away slowly observing it out of the corner of my eye and went to find the caretaker.

“There’s a snake,” I said when I found the caretaker. “A green Mojave kind. I think”.

“Not good,” he said. He went into his trailer and returned with a pistol. Together we went back to the bridge.

“They’re very shy”, the caretaker said. “And impossible to handle. Way too lethal. We have to shoot him.”

“We,” I said?

The caretaker approached the snake until he was virtually standing over it. The snake was rattling big time by now.

He fired the pistol at point blank range.

The snake dodged the first bullet. Really.

The caretaker got him on the second shot. He pulled out his knife and cut off the rattle, depositing it in my palm. “That’s for you,” he said. “Good job spotting him. He could have hurt somebody.”

I looked at the amputation, four distinct rattles still twitching in my outstretched hand. He picked up the snake. “The meat is good eating,” he said.

So that’s the reason for the second tattoo. That rattler gave me it’s rattle. I gave it my left forearm. It’s only fair.

“It’s a true snake story,” I said to my wife explaining the new ink. “I wouldn’t lie to you about something like that.”

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.