These contributors have me thinking about my own history of collective work which goes back to the late eighties when I founded Extraordinary Conversations.

I recall being very excited about the possibility of people of goodwill coming together to look at the future from a perspective of creative possibility and mutuality. My work was focused primarily on organizational change. In addition, I offered workshops for those interested in collaboration practices that could benefit family, community and business.

What became evident early was the need for personal development work in support of group work.Too often dialogue became dysfunctional because of power dynamics and dysfunctional competition amongst those engaged in the conversation.

Creativity and mutuality were routinely sacrificed to the ego needs of individuals.

It became evident to me that having a strong opinion was not sufficient to reach mutual gain. Rather, it could eliminate the possibility of true progress towards a result that was in the best interest of the family, community, or business.

For true dialogue to thrive individual contributors needed to skill up– and in some cases, grow up– in order to ensure that dialogue does not decend into debate.

Those who have grown sick of “political discourse” take note. The ego need not interupt the discovery of something deeper and more meaningful than a need to be right. It requires each of us to develop personal leadership, character and the ability to listen.

Easy prescription.

With over twenty years in the trenches I can tell you that the quest for mutuality is not easily won.

The following comes from the insights of David Bohm, a noted quantum theorist and godfather of the dialogue movement. I think it distinguishes the opportunties and pitfalls of dialogue versus debate.

1. Dialogue is collaborative; debate is oppositional.

2. In dialogue, common ground is the goal. In debate, winning is the goal.

3. In dialogue, one listens to understand, to find meaning, and to find agreement. In debate, one listens to find flaws and to counter the views of others.

4. Dialogue enlarges one’s point of view. Debate defends one’s point of view.

5. Dialogue reveals assumptions for re-evaluation. Debate holds that one’s assumptions are the truth.

6. Dialogue causes introspection of one’s point of view. Debate causes critique of other people’s point of view.

7. Dialogue supports open-mindedness…openness to being wrong and openness to change. Debate creates closed-mindedness, and a determination of being right.

8. Dialogue searches for common ground. Debate searches for disputes.

9. Dialogue involves concerns for one’s impact on others and seeks not to alienate or offend. Debate involves challenging and countering without concern for other people’s feelings.

10. Dialogue assumes that many people have pieces of the answer and that together they can put them into a workable solution. Debate assumes that there is only one right answer and that somebody has it.

© Patrick O’Neill 2012. All rights reserved.

The thirty participants spent much of the weekend conversing in same-sex Lodges (women with women and men with men) and then in dialogue between the Lodges. These conversations were fascinating.

There is some very big work to do both within the Men’s Lodge and the Women’s Lodge– and between the Lodges– as people seek to move past assumptions, stereotypes and projections into deeper insights and understanding of the “sacred other.”

Certainly, self-responsibility is central to that transition. While we all believe that we are responsible there is evidence of a gap that persists between our vision of our own behavior and the impact it has on others.

Both the women and the men saw that the trust needed for deep dialogue is still building. Curiosity is required to overcome the assumptions and fears that impede understanding.

The ability to hold creative tension, the perceptual stretching required to bridge this gap, must be far more robust if we hope to go deeper, heal past hurts, and rebuild mutuality.

Two insights emerged that seemed to make a difference in the learning.

First, when you looked at the sacred other as a distinct culture, more curiosity was available to get past any fears of saying the wrong thing or stepping on toes. That curiosity was critical to getting past old dynamics and misunderstandings and really learn about the culture of the opposite.

Secondly, the fluency of the conversation between the cultures was aided when the dialogue slowed down and contextual understanding was brought to bear on words and meanings. There were great canyons between what some participants thought was being said and what was meant. When care was taken to help others understand a perspective, where it came from, and why it was held, more understanding resulted and dialogue deepened.

When dialogue is conducted with a degree of detachment more truth surfaces. Thanks to the brave thirty for the great work.

Angeles and I will be offering The Mystery of Relationship again later this year. Watch for dates.

© Patrick O’Neill 2012. All rights reserved.

http://thetyee.ca/Life/2012/01/13/2012Resolutions/

I’ve done that drive a million times–Cornwall, Brockville, Kingston, Tyendinaga, Picton, Belleville, Cobourg…and on and on. The only times it fails to be boring is when you can see the big birds flying-hawks, turkey vultures and ravens.

Or, when there’s weather, usually around Kingston. That’s where you’re likely to hit a snow storm blowing in off Lake Ontario that renders visibility to zero and turns the highway into the world’s longest skating rink. White knuckle time.

Last week I made the trek home from the cottage on that road, resigned to another day behind the wheel and fighting the trucks that love to plug up the passing lane for miles. Grrrr!

Flipping from radio station to radio station as the signal faded I was delighted to come across NPR’s program World Cafe. It was being broadcast from somewhere in New York State and the signal was fine.

Suddenly the boredom of the drive was interrupted by my new radio companion, Rosanne Cash. I love Rosanne Cash, daughter of country legend, Johnny Cash. She has secured a place in my musical pantheon alongside of Steve Earl, Bob Dylan and Leonard Cohen.

World Cafe was airing a pair of interviews that had been conducted in 2006 and 2009 coinciding with the release of albums Black Cadillac and The List.

She is a fascinating person and a visionary artist.

In one segment of the program, the conversation turned to the two-year loss of her voice. She shared that she was afraid she may never be able to sing again. She decided then that if her voice ever returned, she would never allow herself to be critical of it again.

Cash shared that she had been very judgemental of her voice, comparing it’s tone, range and resonance negatively. She did not think of herself as a great singer.

Of course, her voice returned and sher continues to be a creative force and a singular voice.

I reflected on this lesson as I continued to drive. Our gifts are supported when we are grateful for them and do not compare them with the gifts of other people. Our job is simply to accept, nurture and share our unique gifts and talents with the world.

When we are overly harsh and critical we damage our ability to express our beauty and uniqueness. What would the world be without Rosanne Cash and her art? What would have happened had she remained silent, never able or willing to sing again?

And what would the world be like if we all succumbed to the mean-spirited voices that seek to keep us small and silent?

About as dull as the 401.

Here’s a link to NPR and Rosanne Cash. http://www.npr.org/2012/01/09/141020029/world-cafe-looks-back-rosanne-cash

© Patrick O’Neill 2012. All rights reserved.

Al is a leading social entrepreneur, writer and activist based in Vancouver. He is co-founder of Planned Lifetime Advocacy Network (PLAN), a partner in the JW McConnell Family Foundation’s Social Innovation Generation (SIG), and an Ashoka Fellow amongst his many accomplishments. He is also a terrific person who is making a tremendous difference through his work.

For those who haven’t subscribed to Al’s blog, here’s a link http://www.aletmanski.com/al-etmanski. Al offers deep insights. Highly recommended.

Fast Ice

“Do you know that disease and death must needs overtake us, no matter what we are doing? …What do you wish to be doing when it overtakes you? …If you have anything better to be doing when you are so overtaken, get to work on that.” –Epictetus

I’m skating towards oblivion. Sorry to say it but so are you.

Not only that, but we’re all skating on fast ice.

That’s the happy premise of my four hundred words. With every stride the ice surface shrinks and the clock continues to tick away precious seconds, minutes, and days.

Even though we think we’re skating alone, we are always accompanied by two unseen wingers-Death and Destiny.

Death, to the left of us, asks us the daily question: “Are you using the great gift of life?”

Destiny, on our right, asks: “Are you doing what you have come here to do?” These daily reflections guide me as I hurtle toward that inevitable encounter with mortality.

I’m 57 years old. I’ve skated hard through the first two periods of life: youth and adulthood. I’ve earned a degree, married well, built a business, raised a family, own a home. I’ve got some money in the bank, cars in the driveway, and modest debts. A good life.

As I enter the third period­– my eldership– I hear Epictetus’ words about using time well. They motivate me to skate towards a life that is as meaningful and fulfilling as I can make it. I want to use the time I have to playing every shift like Sidney Crosby driving to the goal.

But what goal is worth driving towards?

What I’m discovering is my third period is less about outer accomplishments and more about my inner life. That’s where wisdom resides and since I am entering my “wisdom years” it’s probably a good place to skate.

In this period I intend to turn my eyes from the outer world and towards the heart. The Four-Chambered Heart explains cultural anthropologist Angeles Arrien, is full, open, clear and strong.

This is where meaning is constructed. Life’s most important decisions — personal matters, family, relationships, and business — are assembled in the heart first and are rationalized later.

Therefore I resolve to:

Use my time pursuing only what I am full-hearted about in my life and work.

Remain open to new ideas, people and experiences

Keep my relationships clear of obstruction by being honest and compassionate with the people I care about.

Face ageing with courage and dignity because it sure ain’t for sissies

.
That’s what I’m skating towards, Al. It’s good. I need the exercise.

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.

Her new book Damned Nations is a must read for a variety of reasons oulined here by journalist Brian Stewart. His review says it all.

Thanks Sam for writing such a gripping account of why we need to stop supporting war by remaining unconscious to its causes and its enablements.

Guns And Aid

By Brian Stewart, special to CBC News Posted: Nov 23, 2011 8:09 PM ET

Every so often a new book arrives with the force of a much-needed whack over the head.

That’s the jolting effect of Samantha Nutt’s Damned Nations: Greed, Guns, Armies and Aid, which is causing a sensation within the increasingly troubled world of humanitarian aid.

Written by one of Canada’s most influential humanitarian activists, it’s the clearest examination I’ve read in quite a while of the economic incentives — and our own Western inadequacies — that fuel the seemingly intractable violence in so many war-torn countries, particularly in mineral-rich Africa.

A medical doctor and the co-founder of War Child Canada, Nutt is someone who speaks with remarkable moral authority, after spending more than 16 years struggling to help the most vulnerable targets, children and women, in the world’s most dangerous conflict areas.

As well, she spares few details in forcing readers to recognize just how sinister these perpetual inter-state, militia, ethnic and gang wars have become.

The use of boy soldiers, torture and pillage almost pales beside a war culture of indiscriminate rape, particularly in the eastern Congo.

“The sadistic rape of your girls, infants, mothers, and grandmothers is pervasive in the Congo,” Nutt writes. “It has become a kind of national rot, decaying families, community marriages and the country’s entire social structure.”

Drowning in weapons

This is the world Nutt has come to know very well. “The fear in war is absolute,” she writes, and yet she refuses to turn away from its victims.

Dr. Samantha Nutt, co-founder of the Canadian charity War Child. Her organization, War Child Canada, builds alliances at the grassroots to protect children and mothers in countries such as Somalia, Sudan, the Democratic Republic of Congo, Sierra Leone, Iraq and Afghanistan.

Part of the book recounts Dr. Nutt’s many frightening personal experiences working with local groups that were under attack from state forces or lawless militias, down roads where casual murder and rape are normal tactics of war.

But at the core of Damned Nations is her anger that we don’t see how complicit our own society is in this violence — and how inept our efforts to help so often are.

In a world already drowning in weapons, nearly $1.5 trillion more are produced every year, most sold by rich nations to poor ones.

“For the past five years,” Nutt says, “Canada, which is among the world’s top 10 arms exporters, has had one of the lowest international arms transparency ratings.”

According to her book, all but two provincial teachers’ pension funds have invested in one or more of the world’s top arms producers. Even the Canada Pension Plan, which we all pay into, has $200 million invested in almost two dozen arms makers.

As Nutt puts it: “When our national pension funds profit from this social malaise, and when our prevaricating governments — wittingly or not — would rather give a one-fingered salute than open the books on what, precisely, is being shipped to whom, we too have become part of a very sinister equation.”

The failings of aid

Damned Nations, however, is almost equally hard on the persistent failure of traditional aid and development to get its priorities right, and to avoid the harm that “mere good intentions” can do to fragile societies.

The book sees ominous new trends in aid organizations, large and small, which make them less responsive to the real needs of those they seek to help.

A Somalian boy looks out over the Seyidka settlement for the famine stricken near the capital Mogadishu in September 2011. Reuters Increasingly, she suggests, they seem to be serving their own fund-raising objectives rather than those in need.

I’ve noticed this myself, and many aid experts I’ve talked with also agree but are reluctant to speak out frankly, as Nutt does.

One element of this approach is that governments such as Canada have cut back their own foreign aid (as a percentage of GDP), while embracing a handful of large aid organizations and encouraging them to show solid corporate practices.

It all sounds reasonable but it tends to emphasize the need for quick results, to gain donor and government support, in an area where instant results are notoriously unreliable.

This inevitably puts the focus on the headline crisis of the moment, at the expense of lower-profile, long-term development, which can often produce real gain.

Competition by aid groups to star in a crisis role is what produces fiascos like the humanitarian response to the Haiti earthquake, where unknown thousands of groups, from big to micro-sized, raced in, uncoordinated and in competition, to fight for slices of the action.

The appeal of neo-colonialism

On a still larger scale, Nutt warns of a growing trend towards aid competition that harms far more than it helps as the sector becomes dominated by two extremes.

At one end of the spectrum is “a virtual fiefdom of large aid organizations,” while at the other is “an abundance of novelty start-ups … led by students, celebrities, and other assorted individuals” with little relevant training or experience.

Meanwhile, “the space between them is rapidly evaporating.”

Some of her criticism will sting many of those who acted with the best intentions.

For example, she cites the current trend towards “volunteer tourism,” in which high school, church and college groups spend a few weeks building schools or orphanages in an impoverished locale, as a classic case of good intentions breeding bad results.

These groups, she says, “make a spectacle out of poverty and expose overseas communities — especially children — to exploitation and abuse.”

What’s more, “a revolving door of unskilled workers on the ground in two-week increments is more a burden than a benefit to any community.”

Other targets are the giant fund-raising charities that spend huge sums to promote “child sponsorship” through images that portray people as pure victims, passive recipients of charity.

“These are the vestiges of neo-colonialism, cloaked in altruism…. precisely why these appeals are highly effective.”

A guide

One of Nutt’s key points is that to donate at all is to assume personal responsibility. But to do that means we all need to learn more about humanitarian organizations and such things as the crucially different tasks of emergency response and long-term development.

After a bruising account of mistakes made in this field — and she admits to her own — Nutt recounts the remarkable successes many smaller organizations have been able to achieve when they don’t try to inject themselves into the big problem-solving areas, but work alongside or behind local groups on specific projects.

Here’s where the critical mass for change at the local level can really take off. Where women’s rights are encouraged, children are educated, micro-financing is introduced, and long absent legal systems can be created to give some people their first sense of protection under the law.

Damned Nations is full of useful suggestions on how to help out and get involved, and it provides links to smaller organizations that are working successfully in a number of grassroots endeavours.

I found the book both alarming, and inspiring. But, overall, it’s a useful guide to help point the way out of the moral and political confusion that so much humanitarian aid is trapped in.

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.

The work is going well and these are fine people but what I was completely unprepared for was how emotional a return to the desert it was for me. I hadn’t realize how much I missed this land.

I first started coming to Arizona about 17 years ago, supporting the work of cultural anthropologist Angeles Arrien. We would hold four workshops a year near Paulden, about two and half hours north of Phoenix, in the high desert. We spent thirty days a year on the land.

When I first arrived I felt I had landed on the moon! The landscape seemed so barren to me. As I became more comfortable I began to experience a powerful connection to the desert. That feeling only grew stronger with vision quest, spending three days and nights on the land alone.

With no distractions, the land held a hypnotic force, ever changing with the light and cloud variations of the day and in the night, under the moon and stars.

Some of the most exciting lightening storms I have ever witnessed arrived with the monsoons in August. Streak, sheet, and ball lightning provided a psychadelic light show unlike anything I have ever seen with the possible exception of the northern lights.

Spring brought a blanket of wildflowers. Fall and winter brought extremes-hot in the day, cold at night. In January your could even expect snow.

There are critters galore: eagles, hawks and vultures; wild pig, coyote and mountain lion; rattlesnakes and tarantula spiders. I once shared a room with three tarantulas. They were courteous enough roommates. It was the foot-long poison centipede that I was nervous about meeting.

I love the plant life too. Barrel cactus, buckhorn and teddy bear cholla, prickly pear and pipe cactus. Yucca, jojobba, and mesquite. Pinyon pine and juniper.

I wrote this poem to honor the spirits of this land and place:

Vision Quest

What was it I came here to remember?
I have been standing on this spot
for three days and three nights,
waiting.

The sun pounding me to my knees,
the heat steaming me open.
At night the moon shaking me
until my teeth rattle.

I won’t quit though,
won’t leave here without
a vision.

What was it that I came here to remember?
I have seen with my own eyes
things I know are true.

Last night my grandfather came.
He didn’t say anything
just took my measure and was gone.
He never ever quit on anything.
Stubborn.
Me too.

Maybe I came here to remember
how vision comes
when the foreground
shimmers and fades.

Maybe that’s when you glimpse
what hasn’t happened yet.

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.

During the workshop, Angeles Arrien and I outlined the five qualities of intimacy: openness, trust, respect, honesty and vulnerability.

Relationships, without intimacy, remain superficial and never deepen, strengthen or open. They remain static and never live up to the potential that they hold.

As a result, the bonds of relationship are unable to hold in difficult conditions such as change, challenges and conflict. They remain superficial and unsatisfying at best or become toxic and inflamed.

Openness is the willingness to disarm, drop our defensiveness, and be present and available to another person. So many of our relationships are fear based. Where fear is the dominant energy, relationships cannot find enough space to open naturally. Instead, they become rife with dynamics designed to test or manipulate the other person.

Trust is a firm belief in our own reliability and the reliability of another person. When trust is present, relationships find the right medium to bloom. Angeles Arrien reminds us that “trust is an inside job.” To trust others and the circumstances first requires self trust.

Respect is the willingness to look again– past fixed perspectives, projections, the unfinished business of the past, and unresolved personal issues–to see another person truly. It is the ability to enter relationship from a place of confidence and recognize that every relationship is a mystery to be explored not a problem to be solved.

Honesty is the straight, simple and direct language of the heart. It knows no artifice and seeks no advantage. It is the ability to stand in the flow of your own unfoldment and testify to the mystery of living. When disclosure of thoughts, feelings, and needs are made clear relationships can advance. Witholding the truth tangles relationship in misunderstandings that lead to hurt feelings and power struggles.

Vulnerability is the quality associated with being undefended. We have given up our fears and have made a commitment to being ourselves, warts and all. We don’t need to look good, have it all together or live up to the expectations of others. Rather, we are fine with who we are and have the courage and character to simply be ourselves.

The five qualities associated with intimacy are the requirements and the product of healthy relationships. Just these five practices alone are a pathway to enlightenment.

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.

As with all of her books, Angeles Arrien take spiritual principles and grounds them with practical tools and actions. This book is filled with insight and information.

The book is particularly important now. The dominant culture is filled with images and stories depicting what’s missing, wrong or lacking in the world. Of course, those dark conditions are present today and always have been.

With that backdrop, it’s easy to lose sight of all that is right with our lives and all that is working in the world!

Living In Gratitude provides a balance point for vision by reminding us of the abundant gifts that present themselves daily.

Angeles writes:

“Living in Gratitude is designed to carry you through a full calendar year, month by month. It approaches the topic of gratitude from a cross-cultural perspective, offering varied tools, maps, and practices based on perennial wisdoms that human beings have explored for centuries. This book is written to be a dependable guide and touchstone to gratitude–available to you any time, no matter what may be happening in your life at the present moment. By creating the opportunity for repeated and sustained gratitude practice, it will help you establish a solid foundation as you shift and begin to embody the true essence of gratitide.”

I strongly recommend this book. It is published by Sounds True and available on Amazon.

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.