I’m in full production mode these days. Last week and over the weekend I was in Adrian, Michigan with the Dominican Sisters; this weekend in San Francisco and the second weekend of The Mystery of Relationships with Angeles Arrien; and next week back in Toronto teaching The Five Transitions.

Phewww. I’m tired just reading about it.

Much to be excited about though.

The work with the Adrian Dominican Sisters is progressing really well. I have been a volunteer advisor with the Order since last December, when they invited me to help them with Congregational change and development.

We have been looking at sustaining their mission in the face of some challenges. The average age in the Congregation is 75 years old. As well, formation rates of new sisters coming into the Order are at a trickle, a common challenge for religious communities.

Those are daunting conditions.

Last weekend I led a future planning conference with 45 Sisters and lay people. It was fun, challenging and creative. Five Pathways have been identified to sustain the mission and preliminary plans of action were drafted.

All of it was done with remarkable clarity, courage and good spirits. A tribute, I think, to the character and commitment of all involved.

There was even a live podcast from the floor of the planning conference, featuring the Prioress, Sister Attacta Kelly (Irish Woman Extraordinaire!) …and yours truly. I know, what’s wrong with that picture.

This weekend is the second weekend of the Relationships program. Angeles Arrien and I will be exploring The Healthy Masculine and Healthy Feminine with our 37 participants at her teaching room in Sausalito.

Over the weekend, we’ll be looking at the two Archetypes that are resident in every person: the dynamic and receptive, masculine and feminine. We will also be exploring the shadow of the Archetypes, the Unhealthy Mascuiline and the Covert Feminine.

For those who are interested, and unable to attend, allow me to recommend a film we will be using as a teaching tool: Dangerous Liaisons. If you haven’t seen it in a while I recommend that you revisit it. Every line in the film is a lesson in the corruption of innocence through seduction, manipulation and the misuse of power.

Chilling!

Of course, we will be spending as much, or more time on the healthy aspects of both energies.

Next weekend is The Five Transitions, in Toronto. The Five Transitions that every person goes through are:

• Work

• Relationship

• Health

• Finances

• Identity

We are all in transition, whether we recognize it or not. The program will explore what requires change or strengthening in our thinking during transition; our unique array of gifts, talents and character qualities that we have as a resource; the values and principles that act as a balast in times of change; and the priorities that are most important to us.

Ultimately, transitions, when well met, provide a sense of being fully alive, engaged and empowered for life. A life without transition is dull, boring and tedious.

If you are in transition, this program will provide you with the knowledge, skills and support required to meet uncertainty with courage and grace!

I hope to see you there.

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.

A full moon poised above the sea
Makes the face of heaven radiant
And brings to hearts that are apart
The poignant pensiveness of night.
I blow out my candle but it is just as bright here;
I put on a coat but it is just as cold.
So I can only read my message to the moon
As I lay me down and long for dreams of you.

–Chang Chui-Ling

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.

My neighbors, a pack of coyotes that live on the ridge behind the house, are just returning from the nightly hunting expedition. They’re late today. It’s a little after 8:00 am.

Must have been some party.

These guys are noisy. They howl and howl and howl. I don’t know how many of them are in this pack but there are several.

We’ve had coyotes, on and off, for ten years. They arrive, push the foxes out of the territory, and make themselves comfortable. They have lots to eat and an easy lifestyle in these parts. The only danger for a coyote in this part of the city is traffic.

That’s right, we’re in the city, fifteen minutes from downtown.

In this part of Toronto, you could swear you’re in the country. Indeed, we’re lucky. We are bounded by High Park to the east and Lake Ontario to the south. The critters, and there are lots of them, come down along the waterways.

Along with coyotes and fox, we have deer, skunk, possum, the occasional porcupine, and of course racoons. Snapping turtles live at the pond and we are on the migration route for over 400 species of birds, including: warblers, shorebirds, sparrows; great horned owls; turkey vultures; and two red-tailed hawks that live in the back yard most of the year.

The Humber River, to the west, is like an animal highway running north to south. The salmon spawn there in the shallows.

Other than the racoons, a species given to verbal abuse of its young, the coyotes are by far the noisiest. OK. The hawks are bad too. They cry all day when their eggs don’t hatch. But who can blame them.

I see more wildlife in my city yard than I do in the relatively unpopulated Laurentian Mountains. We don’t have moose here yet, or bear, or wolves. But never say never.

Our coyotes are different than the western variety. These animals are a coyote-wolf mix. That makes them larger than their western cousins. They can weigh up to 70 pounds and stand about the size of a german shepherd.

Pretty big animals. I wouldn’t leave your kids out unattended. Nor your cats and dogs.

In traditions of the Southwest, Coyote is a trickster figure. Like Raven, Coyote is seen as an agent of the unexpected. When coyote shows up the message is “expect anything.”

Coyote is a teacher of balance. As Ted Andrews points out in Animal Speak, a comprehensive dictionary of totem animals, Coyote teaches us to meet the chaos of life with poise and a sense of humor.

Coyote is inteligent, resourceful and adaptable. They cooperate with the close-knit family unit to hunt and the males help rear the young.

I guess I’m in for accelerated learning about the difference between wisdom and folly.

Lucky me.

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.

I am no stranger to conflict.

Both in my personal life and professionally I have witnessed, been party to and mediated more conflicted dynamics than I care to remember.

It’s not that I go out of my way to look for conflict but when it comes to my door I don’t run from it either. No one likes it, unless they are a sociopath.

But everyone must learn to navigate the rough waters of interpersonal work as well as the fair. Very often it is in conflict that we learn the most about ourselves and other people, learning that is done in the fires of the full, open, strong and clear heart.

Angeles Arrien has mentioned on many occasions that relationship is the highest spiritual discipline and training ground. That training ground is taken to the next level when conflct emerges.

For those who are looking to strengthen the heart for deepening relationship–and conflict is one of the doors to deepening– the following resource is a great one.

That resource is David Richo’s fine book, How To Be An Adult In Relationships.

In the chapter entitled, Struggles Along The Way, he makes an important series of distinctions between conflict and drama.

You can find the following on pages 147/48:

Healthy Conflict

The problem is placed on the table between us, and we see it in
perspective.

We explore the situation.

We address the issue directly.

We express our feelings candidly, taking responsibility for them as our own without blaming the other or feeling ashamed.

We are looking for a way to keep the relationship stable, and we don’t use violence.

We remain focused on the present issue.

We are committed to a bilateral style in processing issues and making decisions.

The issue is resolved with an agreement to change something for the better.

Both of us are looking for ways of making our relationship better.

We fight fairly.

We admit mutual responsibility for the problem.

We are committed to working things out, but we respect the other’s timing.

We try and deal with the issue one-on-one.

If necessary, we seek therapy or a support group.

We want both of us to grow from this conflict.

We let go of our attachment to the outcome we wanted in favor of a resolution we can both live with.

We are aware of any complexities.

It is acceptable to agree to disagree.

We notice, mirror, and feel deep compassion for the other’s pain.

We admit it if our behavior is connected to childhood.

We acknowledge how our shadow might be involved.

Our conflict is love-based, and we want to show the five A’s (attention, acceptance, affection, appreciation, allowing).

We are centered in mindfulness.

Stressful Drama

The problem becomes bigger than both of us; we are possessed by it and lose perspective.

We exploit the situation.

We sidestep the issue or cover it up.

We use invective to dump our feelings on one another or engage in theatrical/histrionic displays meant to manipulate, intimidate or distance the other.

We explode, act violently, retaliate, or withdraw sullenly.

We use the present issue to bring up an old resentment that contaminates the present process.

One of us makes a unilateral or secret decision.

The issue remains an open wound with lingering resentment and ongoing stress.

One of us has to win and see the other lose.

We use cutthroat tactics.

We are convinced the problem is entirely the other’s fault.

We insist this problem be fixed in accord with our timing, showing no tolerance for time out.

We crowed the stage by bringing someone else or something else in as a distraction (e.g., an affair, drinking).

We refuse help or attempt to use it to justify our personal position.

We want the other to learn a lesson.

We each insist on getting our own way.

We see only in black and white.

Ambiguity is intolerable.

We are so caught up in our own pain we don not see the other ‘s pain, Or we think, “He/she deserves it.”

We are adamant that the issue is entirely about the here and now.

We see the other’s shadow but not our own.

Our drama is fear based, and we have to save face, protect our ego.

We are distracted by the mindsets of ego.

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.

Last week I had an interesting conversation with a gentleman who ran for Governor of a border state as an Independent candidate during the last election. Despite losing by a few thousand votes he was convinced that change is in the air.

I couldn’t agree with him more. I think the timing is over-ripe for a second American revolution. Here’s why:

* There is growing frustration and anger with the two party system. The budget deadlock this month was avoidable and everyone knows it.

* Increasingly, the two-party system fails to represent the voter’s interests and caters to the partisan interests of Wall Street.

* Even the best intentions of public servants with a commitment to good representation of their constituencies are blocked by power dynamics in both houses.

* Fundamentalist politics, as witnessed by the rise of the Tea Party, has replaced public service and threatens to continue to logjam both houses as a means of swinging the public agenda hard right.

* Youthquake, the Arab Spring, and the fall of dictatorships has been accomplished on-line and in the street. What was once deemed impossible–the fall of tyrants in Tunisia, Egypt and Libya–was accomplished and has renewed the belief that the populace has enough power to overturn bad government. This is not lost on Americans.

* The blame-game by political parties has reached a level of stupidity and destructiveness that sober-minded people are fed up with. Instead of tuning it out , people are looking for ways to permanently change the channel.

* The on-line fund-raising breakthrough by President Obama in the last election has made a large financial dent in the party model. Now, independant candidates can campaign and fund-raise without being beholden to party machinery.

* Change at the federal level may take a little longer to make. But local, regional and state politics could change much faster than anyone anticipates. That could result in a rising tide of independant mayors and governors, beholden only to those that elected them.

It has never been a better time for people of vision and integrity to run for office outside the party system. As I said to my friend last week, perhaps the badge of honor in the next election will be neither Republican or Democrat…. it will be Independent.

© Patrick O’Neill 2011. All rights reserved.